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Millar time?

Strasbourg prologue marks Millar's return to peloton, (Contains strong language)

Published: Jun. 29, 2006
Millar says he will be 100 percent clean
Millar says he will be 100 percent clean
Photo: John Segesta

Britain's David Miller admitted he will be harboring feelings of shame when he saddles up as a favorite in what could be a spectacular return to the Tour de France here Saturday.

Millar's two-year ban for admitting to using the banned endurance enhancer EPO (erythropoietin) ended last week, giving him a chance to bid for victory in the 7.1km prologue which would hand him the race's famous yellow jersey.

And while primed for a battle with the CSC team's time trial specialist David Zabriskie, an emotional Millar said the buzz of excitement he will feel will be tempered by feelings of shame.

"I'm a little bit apprehensive," he told reporters here Thursday. "I had a lot of respect from the professional peloton before, but now I have to earn it. If anything, I'm ashamed more than anything else."

The 29-year-old Scot, born in Malta but brought up in Hong Kong, was banned by cycling's world ruling body the UCI after he admitted using EPO to win his world time trial crown in 2003.

Millar was the biggest fish caught up in the web of the Cofidis Affair that festered in early 2004 after a former team soigneur was arrested for drugs trafficking. Mentioned in testimony by Cofidis rider Philippe Gaumont, a confessed drug user, French police raided Millar’s home just days before the start of the 2004 Tour and found two empty EPO vials that Millar said he kept as a reminder of his errant ways.

Under police pressure, Millar admitted he used the banned blood-booster on two occasions — once in 2001 and again in 2003. Despite never failing a doping control, that was enough to seal his doom and end Millar’s rock ’n’ roll lifestyle.

“It was very hard,” he admitted. “I lost everything. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve paid a very high price for them.” Overnight, Millar went from cycling’s bon vivant to vilified scoundrel in the eyes of British fans. Cofidis dropped him, and he was slapped with a humiliating two-year suspension. He was also stripped of his 2003 world time-trial title and stage wins at the 2003 Dauphiné Libéré and 2001 Vuelta a España, and fined 2000 Swiss francs.

Forced to sell his posh apartment near Biarritz, on the coast of southwest France, the reckless Millar suddenly found himself penniless. He was reduced to sleeping on his sister’s floor in London and drowned his sorrow in liquor for the better part of 2004.

But in 2005, he cleaned himself up and started riding again. Mutual contacts later put Millar in touch with Mauro Gianetti, manager of Saunier Duval-Prodir. Gianetti, impressed with Millar’s honesty and courage to admit his mistakes, offered him a lifeline and a chance to come back to the ProTour ranks. Gianetti believes in Millar’s promise to ride clean.

“I saw a guy who made an error, which he paid a very high price for,” Gianetti said. “He shouldn’t have to pay for the rest of his life.”

To his credit, Millar's admission was rare in a sport which, days before the start of this year's race, continues to be tainted by rumor and speculation on the substances riders use and abuse.

While there is currently no proof, some big names, including Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso, have been linked to the ongoing "Operation Puerto" scandal which has gripped Spanish cycling.

It appears the Tour de France, in which both of the aforementioned are the favorites to succeed the now retired Lance Armstrong, could not have kicked off at a worse time.

Millar admits he can't say what the rest of the peloton are getting up to.

For the moment he just wants to continue purging the dirty deeds from his past, and has promised to staying "100 percent" clean.

"I hope the message gets sent out that it is possible to win the biggest races in cycling without doping. I think the most important thing is to show that to young professionals coming into the sport," he added. "I want people to know I am doing this 100 percent clean. As I said, it could take years for people to believe me. But I want what happened to me to be a positive story.

"I fucked up, I made a lot of mistakes, I cheated, I lied. But I'm the one who has to live with that. I'm the one with the regrets."

Millar admitted that it was while watching the Tour de France last year, during his ban, that he realized exactly what he had ruined.

"It was like seeing it from the eyes of a child," he said. "That's when I realized the opportunity I'd had and how I wasted it."

A win for Millar on Saturday would give him a chance at redemption. But when asked about the possibility of being beaten to the yellow jersey by a rider who has cheated, he was philosophical.

"Honestly, I couldn't give a shit," he said. "I wouldn't know for starters. It could happen to me for the rest of my life and not just in cycling - someone who beats me because of something they cheated on.

"I'm just happy to be where I am now. I've worked hard to get here." Millar might not need three weeks of tough racing around France to see exactly how his racing form is. But after months of hard training alongside former racer Max Sciandri, and the support of friends and his new team, Saunier Duval, he is hoping to begin a new chapter.

"Obviously it was horrible, but that is to be expected. That is part of the punishment," he said of his ban. "But sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to then realize what you have got.

"I can't prove myself, all I can say is that I've go to prove myself over the next five, six years. And then ask me in 10 years."