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Tuesday's Special-Edition Rant: Basso not so profundo

Published: May. 8, 2007
Photo: AFP (aftermarket halo by Patrick O'Grady)


"I experimented with marijuana a time or two. And I didn't like it, and didn't inhale, and never tried it again." — Bill Clinton, The New York Times, March 31, 1992

Anyone expecting great things following Ivan Basso’s solemn confession that he was the “Birillo” named in Operación Puerto should sit down, take a deep breath and a deeper drink, and recall how he or she felt when told that Santa Claus, the Easter bunny and compassionate conservative George W. Bush weren’t for real.

This guy won’t even do a proper job of ratting himself out, much less anyone else.

"I have never taken banned substances and I have never employed blood doping," the 2006 Giro d'Italia champ (insert giant asterisk here) told reporters at a press conference Tuesday.

"I did admit having attempted to use doping for the (2006) Tour de France, and I am ready to pay the penalty for that," Basso said. "All my wins have been achieved in a proper and clean manner, and I have every intention of returning to action and continuing with the job I love once I have paid the penalty."

Uh huh. Tell me, who’s advising these guys on their mea culpas? Teen-age boys? Because they sound without exception like a pimply stoner whose mom found a ditch-weed fatty in his backpack, trying to explain that he was only thinking about using it to get giddily sideways before dinner because he heard someone, somewhere, say that it makes meat loaf taste like filet mignon.

Remember lawyer Peter-Michael Diestel discussing client Jan Ullrich? "If all that is evoked is confirmed, then all that has been found is the blood of our client in Spain, but that does not in itself mean that doping took place. We are a long way off being charged with fraud,” he said.

A long way off indeed, you hyphenated hambone. It must be tough sledding, trying to stay the legal course without a moral compass.

Or how about Jörg Jaksche? "DNA tests are no doping tests. So even if a bag containing the blood of one of the accused had been found in Fuentes' apartment, that doesn't mean that the rider had the intention of enhancing his performance. It only means that a certain amount of blood was given. If someone goes into a shop and buys a knife, you can't convict him of planned homicide, either.”

Um, mightn’t that be because there is more than one use for a knife? A guy gets peckish, he can spread himself up a tasty PB&J if he only has a knife within reach. But how many uses are there for a bag of your own blood?

And leave us not forget David Millar’s famous pre-confession crack about how one of his accusers was a “nutter.” How apropos. Because none of these canaries starts singing his dolorous little song until the dope cops get him by the eggs with a downhill pull.

That’s what got to Basso, not his conscience. He was nailed, like a stockboy videotaped selling plasma TVs off a Best Buy loading dock, and suddenly got to thinking about how much sexier and more lucrative the life of a top professional bicycle racer is — even after a dope suspension — than a career in technical geometry, food service or license-plate manufacturing.

And now he would have us believe that he never doped. No, he was just attempting to dope. How fortunate for Basso that his attempt was designed to win a race he was not allowed to enter because it was rumored that he had stashed sacks of his own blood, under his dog's name, at a Spanish gynecologist's office. No, nothing sinister there.

But let's go back to Millar for a second. The 30-year-old Scot is a particularly instructive example of the value in copping a plea while you're still young enough to serve the time (Basso is only 29). Because what’s Millar doing these days after finally admitting his EPO use and drawing a two-year suspension? Right you are: Racing his bicycle, for money.

In 2006, before returning to the sport, Millar said he hoped to show that he could compete without “outside help” and become “an icon for clean cycling as well as an example to young people.”

"There are a lot of idiots out there who think you can't win anything without drugs, but we have to convince the young generation that this isn't the case,” he said.

Maybe Basso’s come-to-Jesus moment is Millar’s first miracle. What a long, strange trip it’s been, from sinner to saint. Somebody call the pope.

Is this the gospel truth, or just more of the devil's work? Drop your note in the collection plate over at webletters@insideinc.com. Please include your full name, hometown, and state or country. — Editor