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The 2002 O'Grady Awards

Published: Nov. 29, 2002
The 2002 O'Grady Awards
The 2002 O'Grady Awards
Yes, even the O'Grady Awards appear in the December 16 issue of VeloNews
Yes, even the O'Grady Awards appear in the December 16 issue of VeloNews

Much to the dismay of our readers, advertisers and attorneys, the O’Grady Awards have become an annual tradition at VeloNews, largely because the budget’s exhausted by November and O’Grady will work for beer, which our intern can shoplift from Argonaut. We thought we’d be spared embarrassment this year, with the perpetually disgruntled Mick on the run from the homeland-security coppers over an especially venomous Web column that called George W. Bush the Antichrist, among other things. Alas, his observations on the year just past were slipped under the North 55th door in the dead of night, scribbled on a duct-taped daisy chain of Guinness Extra Stout labels, and against our better judgment we present them here.

• Tony Soprano Husband of the Year Award: Raimondas Rumsas, who let his much-better half, Edita, rot in a French hoosegow after she got popped with a portable pharmacy that could transform a parakeet into Rodan the Flying Monster. Jeez, I fail to police up my breakfast dishes and the wife threatens reprisal à la Lorena Bobbitt. If I were Rumsas, I’d learn how to sleep with my eyes open and my legs closed.

• Rectum? We Couldn’t Even Catch Him! Citation: ONCE. Sponsored by the Spanish federation for the blind, this garrulous gaggle of underachievers apparently needs a speech therapist to correct their predilection for talking out of their butts. “After their ambitious declarations about how they were going to attack and make a big difference on the Ventoux, I’m pretty surprised,” noted Lance Armstrong. Me too. Don’t let your mouth write a check your ass can’t cash, caballeros.

• Is That a Banana In Your Skinsuit Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? Certificate: Tammy Thomas. After twice testing positive for substances that could turn any old Barbie doll into G.I. Joe, the track sprinter was barred from cycling for life. There is no truth to the rumor that she has begun a new career as a tugboat in New York Harbor.

• Biggest Midget In the Room Trophy: Robbie McEwen. Renowned as the Mr. Congeniality of road sprinters, a traditionally mild bunch, the little man with the big huevos told Armstrong during this year’s Tour, “Shut your mouth or I will fill it with my fist.” Then, at the world’s, he exchanged pleasantries with Erik Zabel. “I talked to Robbie after and told him this is cycling, not boxing,” said an irked Zabel post-race, to which McEwen retorted, “It wasn’t quite a boxing match; for that you need to use your hands.” Given the young Aussie’s ascendancy among speedsters, maybe the Tour should replace its green jersey with a jewel-encrusted championship belt.

• A Backstage Pass to the House of Pain: Christophe Moreau. Clearly no relation to H.G. Wells’s Dr. Moreau, who drove a penknife into one thigh to impress Edward Prendick with his mastery over pain, Chrissie fell over repeatedly during this year’s Tour and eventually bailed in tears during stage 15. Are we not men? Apparently not.

• Runner-up: David Millar, who abandoned La Vuelta in a snit, also on stage 15. Hmm. Should stage 15s be disappeared, like the 13th floor at hotels owned by the superstitious? Naaah. Something has to thin the herd. There’s not always a BigMat team car around, and not even McEwen can punch everyone who has it coming.

Axles of Evil Designation: Canada. Maybe if Lyne Bessette, Charles Dionne, Roland Green, Geneviève Jeanson, Mark Walters and the rest of their fellow Great White Northerners get air-freighted to wire cages in Gitmo before next season starts, we’ll start seeing Americans on the podium again.

• X-Gamer of the Year: Jan Ullrich, whose ongoing knee and head problems caused him to get overserved in a club, eat a little Ecstasy and park his Porsche in a bike rack. Remember Dean Wormer’s advice to Kent “Flounder” Dorfman in “Animal House”: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Especially if you’d like to beat BigTex to Paris.

• U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Wetlands Reclamation Medal (with Alligator Cluster): Gerard Bisceglia. The new CEO of USA Cycling inherits the unenviable task of draining our domestic cycling swamp while standing hip-deep in teeth. The board’s first choice to replace Lisa Voight was Steve “The Crocodile Hunter” Irwin, but he wet himself and ran off screaming.


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