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Friday’s foaming rant: Things that suck

Published: Apr. 30, 2004
Look on the bright side. Someday, we'll all be dead.
Anonymous

Even considering that this is an election year, the national discourse seems to have sunk to a new low – to somewhere around my level, actually – and it pains me to see all these teensy little feet mincing about on my muddy turf.

If I enjoyed company, frankly, I’d try being a nicer person. Nevertheless, here you all are, shoving and elbowing and trying to drown each other out, each of you telling me and all the other readers of VeloNews.com just what, in your feeble opinion, sucks.

Missy Giove sucks. People who think Missy sucks, suck. OLN sucks. John Tesh sucks worse. Republicrats and Demublicans suck like a thousand-pound baby vampire on the giant mutant tit in Woody Allen’s “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask).”

Good Lord. You people keep this up and I won’t be able to earn a living. Every time another snarky letter to the editor jets into the mailbox like a squirt in the chops from a novelty-shop lapel flower, The Comptroller hisses, “More free content,” and clips another 2 percent from the VN.com budget with one flick of a rapier-like claw. Hey, you do the math.

Me, I have a wife, a cat, two houses, four Toyotas and six bicycles to feed, and you amateurs are joggling my elbow. So listen up.

Missy Giove sucks
I feel the same way about gravity racing that I do about the on-again, off-again Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez wedding: Whether it ever happens is of absolutely no interest to me, and I will pay attention to it only if someone is pelting me with fat wads of greasy cash.

That being said, Missy is one of the few real characters left in any subset of bicycle racing. Last time I was at the Iron Horse in Durango, a clot of pre-teen boys was following her around like a litter of puppies, and anyone who can get the next generation interested in any kind of bicycling, no matter how absurd, is my kind of people. Plus we both like girls. And any reporter who can take notes really, really fast is always guaranteed a few thousand quotes worth printing when the Missile is around and about. Try getting some quality face time with Big Tex, especially if you’re wearing a press pass. You’d have better luck getting an autographed transcript of Dick Cheney’s energy-policy hearings from the jaws of a great white shark.

OLN sucks
I wouldn’t know. We pulled the plug on our satellite dish in Westcliffe back in 2002, when Rupert Murdoch gobbled up DirecTV, and with the Rigas family in the dock on charges of looting the Adelphia cable company, we decided to go with a pair of rabbit ears here in Colorado Springs. Mostly we watch DVDs.

But I remember what cycling fans had to make do with before OLN arrived on the scene, and I’d rather wash down a fistful of PCP with a bottle of Two Buck Chuck and watch a Bush press conference at Focus on the Family, on HDTV with surround sound, than ever deal with that horrible noise again.

The other political party sucks
Well, yeah, duh. So does yours. Watching all these poll-watching, cash-hoarding, glad-handing ward-heelers from left and right all trying to crowd into the center, like retarded clowns climbing into a Volkswagen Beetle, lifts the spirit about as much as listening to the PA commentary at a Cat. 5 time trial in a driving rain.

When it takes more money to send a man to the White House than to Mars – and frankly, you’d rather send the sonofabitch to Mars – you know the Republic has gotten as dangerously sideways as Joseba Beloki did in stage 9 of last year’s Tour, and it’s time to start hunting the right line away from the wreckage. Wouldn’t it be a delight to be able to vote for someone instead of against someone for a change?

We may never know. Especially since I keep hearing rumors about an independent campaign pairing Missy Giove and John Tesh. I bet I know who’ll be on top of that ticket.

Think something sucks (like, maybe, this column)? Tell us about it by sending an e-mail to webletters@insideinc.com. But don't expect us to give you any money. The Comptroller is never off duty, and that claw cuts a wide swath.