Home » Top Stories » News and Features »

Friday's Foaming Rant: Ready for prime time

Published: Oct. 28, 2005

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. — Ecclesiastes 3:1

For the first time since 2000, Lance Armstrong wasn’t the star of the show as Tour de France organizers unveiled the 2006 route on Thursday in Paris.

The seven-time Tour champ, who was stateside preparing to host this weekend’s edition of NBC’s "Saturday Night Live," played only a bit part in a short highlight video prepared for the annual ceremony in Paris — and Tour organizers said that was not a simple oversight.

"Of course, I cannot pretend this is just accidental," Patrice Clerc, president of ASO, told VeloNews. With Armstrong battling charges that he used EPO to win his first Tour in 1999, Clerc explained, "We felt that putting Lance Armstrong in the spotlight was something we couldn’t do."

In New York, meanwhile, a vengeful Armstrong reportedly was planning to deliver his SNL monologue in German, astride a scale model of the Maginot Line, while musical guest/fiancée Sheryl Crow covers the Randy Newman classic, "Political Science:"

No one likes us - I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens

I know it’s the silly season, but damn. Some of the most powerful men in our sport seem to act more like prepubescent middle-school girls yanking out handfuls of each other’s hair in a slap-fest behind the gym. Tour honcho Jean-Marie Leblanc says he feels "disappointed and let down" by Armstrong. Armstrong retorts that the Tour "needs a better leader." And the rest of us are left to wonder, "Is anyone racing f--kin’ bicycles around here somewhere?"

Here’s a news flash for you: Armstrong is a retired bicycle racer. Know how you can tell? Because instead of suiting up for a winter training camp, he’s suiting up for SNL, a show that used to be funny about 30 years ago, when he was 4 and presumably stood accused of using nothing stronger than heavily sugared Kool-Aid ("Everybody wants to know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on my tricycle, busting my ass six hours a day. What are you on?").

Leblanc is a goner, too. The Tour’s Captain Ahab will sail into the history books at year’s end, to be replaced at the helm by Christian Prudhomme, who must find his own big white fish to fry.

And so, to both men, I bid a fervent bon voyage. Slainte to both of you. Here are your hats, what’s your hurry? I'll tell you what the hurry is — it's time for you to move on with your lives so the rest of us can move on with ours.

With all due respect to Armstrong, Leblanc and the Tour, I think the world is ready to watch a Tour where the outcome is not preordained, by superior genetics, clockwork organization or the Outdoor Life Network. A Tour where guys are racing for the jersey, for keeps, not just to keep it warm for Big Tex. A Tour where anything, or at least something, can happen.

The last Tour I really enjoyed was 2001, when Jan Ullrich ate the ditch and Armstrong let him catch back on, just so he could beat him like a dog snuffling around in his garbage. It was a spectacular blend of noblesse oblige and sheer ruthlessness that made for great television.

By 2003, when Armstrong cyclo-crossed around the fallen Joseba Beloki, I was convinced that nobody could beat him — and so, it seemed, was everyone else, especially the guys who were racing against him. I’d have preferred watching the Giro or the Vuelta, but thanks to the Only Lance Network, neither was an option. The last two Tours? Didn’t even watch ’em.

And I won’t be watching "Saturday Night Live," either. If I want any lame gags, I’ll make ’em myself. With any luck, come Saturday night I’ll be editing a story about Tim Johnson winning round four of the U.S. Gran Prix of Cyclocross in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Just think — a bike race that’s not the Tour, won by a guy whose name isn’t Lance, or even Armstrong.

Now that’s funny.

Funny? Or just more of the same? Shoot us a note at webletters@insideinc.com. And remember — we need your full name, city and state or nation to cash your two cents' worth.