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"This is an in-house policy on how we do business in the State Patrol, and it's not something that we invite the citizenry to participate in. "— Jeff Goodwin, spokesman for the Colorado State Patrol, discussing a new 2500-rider cap during an interview with a Denver newspaper

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"It’s for your own good."

Man, did I ever hate hearing that as a kid, especially when it was followed by, "Because I said so." And I don’t like it any more as an alleged adult. Problems with authority, don't you know.

So you can imagine how I felt when the word came down that the Colorado State Patrol has issued an edict banning cycling events with more than 2500 riders — apparently without consulting anyone in the cycling community. That is all. Dismiss.

The issue, it seems, is "safety," just as in the old BB-gun argument. You could put your eye out.

"We have come out and said, 'Enough is enough,’" said Sgt. Jeff Goodwin, a CSP spokesman, in an interview with The Denver Post. "We want to have a span of control. They (bicyclists) want their numbers to be as big as they could possibly get, but they don't understand some of the issues. Our decision was about safety, and it came down to numbers."

That's another non-argument I always hated: "You may not understand now, but someday, when you’re older.…" Well, I’m older now, and it still smells like bullshit to me. A small clot of paternalistic control freaks — The Post referred to them as "community leaders, state legislators and administrators with the Colorado Department of Transportation" — got together in some windowless room with the state patrol and decided that, by gum, there are just too darn many of these bicycle fellas clogging the roads of our fair state. Why, come the weekend, a man can hardly take his family for a spin in the old Escalade without collecting a baker’s dozen of these slowpokes on his grille, like so many colorful insects.

Now, I can sympathize with the state patrol. My idea of a good time is not working an event the size of the Elephant Rock Bicycle Festival, which set nearly 7000 cyclists to plying the roads of Douglas and El Paso counties in June. That would be enough to make a guy request a transfer to the Denver Police Department, where you pretty much get to shoot anyone you like (or don’t like, as the case may be).

Hell, I don’t even want to ride with that many people, not on Colorado's crumbling highways and byways. Can you imagine how many Freds, posers, wankers, triathletes and other wobbly types you’d be sharing the potholed road with? Give me a battalion of drunk Republicans in Hummers any old day, or a herd of real elephants. You'd be safer wearing a "James Dobson for President" T-shirt in a Tenderloin leather bar.

Still, somebody must like this sort of thing, enough to pay money for it. And several somebodies have made a business of sorts out of collecting that money — and, ironically, passing a fair chunk of it over to the Colorado State Patrol.

In a chat with the Rocky Mountain News, Scot Harris, director of the Elephant Rock, said that he hired 16 state troopers and another 30 officers from El Paso and Douglas counties and the cities of Castle Rock and Palmer Lake to ensure safety.

"We far exceeded what they asked us to do," said Harris. "Cost is not the issue. There is no safer time to be on the road than on these organized rides when you have the support of the highway patrol and the counties. The highway patrol and the county sheriffs do a fantastic job."

There’s that darn safety thing again. But what the hell in this life is safe? You ever try to drive past Invesco Field when the Broncos are playing a home game? Better have a full tank of gas and a strong heart. But I don’t see the Denver cops capping the number of people who can drive to and park at the stadium at 2500 in the name of "safety."

You take your life in your hands in this state every time you fire up the family tank; I suspect you are only slightly more vulnerable on the old two-wheeler, especially if you are surrounded by a few jillion of your closest friends and there is a uniformed trooper within screaming range.

Indeed, it seems that not a single cyclist bit the bumper during any of the big rides last year, and only one has been clipped in 18 years’ worth of Elephant Rock outings.

Road races draw a considerably smaller crowd, and Beth Wrenn-Estes, executive director of the American Cycling Association and promoter of the Bob Cook Memorial Mt. Evans Hillclimb, doesn’t think the new edict will have much effect on Colorado racing.

"Part of the rules are that you have to have one motorcycle officer for every 300 riders if you are on a state highway," she said. "Now, the question I have is what happens when one isn't available, since there are very few of the motorcycle dudes out there."

And in point of fact, it seems that safety may not be the CSP's sole concern. The guy who made this decision — the chief of the state patrol, Col. Mark Trostel — told Rep. Michael Merrifield, D-Manitou Springs, that it is "a matter of resources," according to a story in the Colorado Springs Gazette. Seems he can only free up eight scooter cops at any given time, so he set the cap at 2500 cyclists.

"But I’m curious as to why it has suddenly come forward as a problem," added Merrifield, himself a cyclist.

Being a cyclist of sorts myself, and a keen observer of the subspecies velo horribilis, I think I know the answer.

‘Fess up, guys. Which one of you flipped Trostel the bird when he honked at you while you rode three abreast on some shoulderless Douglas County two-laner? Or pissed on his shrubbery when the call of nature caught you a few yards' walk from a porta-potty? Don't try that sort of thing with a Denver cop or you'll find yourself quickly gaining weight, about 125 grains at a pop.

And if you like riding in a great big bunch, you’d better plan on driving to Iowa for RAGBRAI, where they apparently have the resources to safely handle 8500 weeklong riders and 1500 daily riders in a ride that spans the state. Because if this directive sticks, says Harris, "the Elephant Rock will likely go away."

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For more on the cap, and to sign an online petition opposing it, visit Bicycle Colorado. The usual literary criticism, personal insults and charges of political bias on the author's part may be directed to webletters@insideinc.com.— Editor