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Friday's Foaming Rant: The 2005 O'Grady Awards
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Every year about this time, we discover a curious e-mail buried deep within the quarantine folder here at VeloNews.com. Crawling with viruses, worms and other virtual cooties known to infest the less than fastidious in our dreadful digital age, it invariably is a communication from beyond the pale — to wit, a note from foaming rantist Patrick O’Grady, announcing his season-ending salute to the sport. Though relief should be but a stroke of the delete key away, O’Grady has squirreled away in various safe-deposit boxes some grainy yet regrettably saleable photographic portraits of senior Inside Communications management. And so, for the handful of his family members, psychiatrists and libel lawyers who remain capable of sustaining some interest in this sort of thing, we present, once again, the annual O’Grady Awards. — Editor
Best Perp’ Walk Presented by Doc Martens: A collective shout-out to all the punk-ass bitches who got busted for doping or drew a suspension in 2005, which makes it less of a perp’ walk than a conga line. Maybe we can get 50 Cent to write the soundtrack, yo.
Jake LaMotta Memorial Raging Bull Award: Lance Armstrong. He hung up the championship belt back in July, and he’s already putting on weight, but he’s still throwing punches at the French, VeloNews, Filippo Simeoni, and anyone who dares employ a sequence of letters that might also be found in one of his brands (see LiveStrong v. SkidStrong). There’s probably no truth to the rumor that Lorne Michaels refused to book Lance and Sheryl for "Saturday Night Live" until Big Tex threatened to sue NBC for using the word "Live" in the show’s name. Look for more of this sort of entertainment in 2006. Armstrong continues to dabble in show business — most recently taking a cameo role in "You, Me and Dupree," starring Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson — and after starring in seven Tours, you can bet he won’t continue to settle for second billing. "No more being me," he recently told The Associated Press. "I want to play like a crazed killer, something out of ‘Pulp Fiction.’" Yeah, that’ll be a stretch.
Fit to be Tide Award for the Soap Opera with the Longest Spin Cycle: The Tyler Hamilton Show. Doctors, lawyers and dogs, oh my! Soon to be a major motion picture, starring Lance Armstrong as Tyler, Sheryl Crow as Haven and Inaki Arratibel as Tugboat, with Jerry Mathers as The Beaver. Oh, God, please make it stop!
Everything I Know About Management I Learned in Kindergarten Certificate: The UCI and the organizers of the Tour de France, Giro d’Italia and Vuelta a España. You couldn’t make the ProTour-Grand Tour squabble any worse by air-dropping John Bolton into the middle of it. These brats need a time out, a nap and a little less refined sugar.
The Yolk’s On You Citation for Pre-hatched Chicken Counting: Giancarlo Ferretti. Ferretti’s announcement that Sony Ericcson was signed to a six-year stint bankrolling his new team went over about as well as the Betamax — not with the viewing audience, but with Sony, which issued a press release stating that "we have no intention to be involved in sponsoring such a team." Cue the sound of a coffin lid being nailed shut. As VeloNews said in its Hot/Not column in issue 19, "Note: Before announcing multimillion-dollar sponsor, run it past sponsor first."
Linda Lovelace Memorial Loving Cup for the Best Head in France: Robbie McEwen, who gave it not once, but twice to Stuart O’Grady, as the two cuddled up during stage 3 of the Tour de France. McEwen found his relegation to last place in the bunch hard to swallow, but Stuey was smiling.
Love Can’t Buy Me Money Award: The NORBA cross-country series, during which pros raced for less money than the average crackhead can find in his sofa cushions. No cha-ching is bad enough, but no UCI points means American racers get the Katie Compton treatment when they travel overseas to where the real racing is. Rosa Parks never sat this far back in the bus. Small wonder that they’re always getting lapped before they hear the echoes of the starter’s pistol.
Monty Python’s "I’m Not Dead Yet" Holy Grail: Ned Overend, whose palmares in his 50th-birthday season included fourth-place finishes at Mt. Evans and Mt. Washington. Many a young gun wouldn't recognize Deadly Nedly if he ever saw him from the front.
Bruce Lee Memorial Kung Fu Fightin’ Championship Belt: Bart Wellens, for karate-kicking a drunken heckler in the middle of a cyclo-cross. Didn’t even get off the bike. Can these Belgians ride or what?
Emmy with Mud Cluster for Will & Gracelessness: Chris Horner, who overcame an appalling lack of technical finesse to place pretty damn’ well in a couple of California cyclo-crosses. Good show.
Deutsche Bone-o-phone Wrong Number Award: T-Mobile, for leaving Erik Zabel off its Tour team. With 11 Tours, 12 stage wins and six green jerseys under his belt, Zabel’s number should have dialed itself.
Call Me Ishmael (Presented By Cap’n Ahab’s White Whale Cruise Lines-Pequod Fish Market Men’s Professional Cycling Team) Delusions of Grandeur in Marketing Trophy: You know who you are. Enough with the "presented by" already. Some of you long-winded billboards have more handles than a fat man’s casket and less to brag about than FEMA.
Is this one a prize-winner, or is O'Grady off the back again? Send your year-end review of his year-end review to webletters@insideinc.com. — Editor
