These days, the alleged humorist Patrick O’Grady is generally confined to soiling the virtual sandbox here at VeloNews.com, where subscriptions are not at risk. His "contribution" to VeloNews the magazine normally consists of an editorial cartoon so severely downsized over the years that its mostly masters-age, easily enraged audience can’t read it without an electron microscope. Nevertheless, once a year the belligerent bog-trotter is freed from his digital dungeon to present the O’Grady Awards, and for this we are heartily sorry. — The Editors

Just How Many Fools Are There On This Hill? Medical Mystery Tour Award
This one goes out to everybody who’s responsible for turning my beloved sport into an episode of "The Wire" directed by David Lynch from a script by O.J. Simpson. I’d name names, but you already know them, and I only have 800 words to work with here. Operación Puerco (pun intended) generates a jillion headlines and not a single conviction; riders fall under suspicion, get barred from events and sacked from teams only to pop up elsewhere like poison mushrooms, clad in fresh new kit and righteous indignation; and the UCI and WADA perform a pale imitation of a Greek chorus, wailing, "O woe, O woe," leaving the fans to wonder which of his heroes buys his legs in injectable form. If Diogenes were alive and stumbled across pro cycling, he would smash his lantern and open an advertising agency.

Quid Pro Quo Titanium Backscratcher
The UCI, for refusing to give Jan Ullrich’s blood to the Spanish cops and then complaining when said cops in turn decline to provide any dirt on suspected dopers. Here’s Pat McQuaid on Ullrich’s blood: "The blood of the riders in our possession from doping controls is used for research purposes. To give it for DNA comparisons is against our rules." And here’s McQuaid on the investigating judge’s refusal to allow Operación Puerco info to be used in UCI disciplinary action against riders: "The UCI can do absolutely nothing about this. We cannot, as we would dearly like to do, use the information to discipline and sanction riders involved." Runner-up: The endless power struggle between the ProTour and the grand tours, which resembles a Crips-Bloods gang fight as performed by the Batley Townswomen’s Guild.

Golden Key to the Bank’s Back Door
It’s the UCI once again, this time for even thinking about granting Manolo Saiz a ProTour license. Señor Venga Venga Venga has more skeletons in his closet than Victor von Frankenstein and he still gets a shot at a ProTour ticket? Puh-leeze. This would be not unlike turning a crack whore loose in an unlocked bank vault with a hand truck and an empty van.

Official Roberto Gaggioli "If You Can’t Beat ’Em, Hit ’Em" Championship Belt
Alessandro Petacchi, who quit the Vuelta a España with a broken finger after punching out the Lampre team bus following a pissing match with Danilo Napolitano. Petacchi said Napolitano had impeded him during the stage-15 sprint; officials disagreed. So Petacchi took his case to the Lampre team bus, which was even less sympathetic.

Official George Steinbrenner "If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Buy ‘Em" Coupon
Discovery Channel. Levi Leipheimer, Ivan Basso, Tom Danielson . . . who’s gonna be the ringmaster and who’s gonna be the clown in this two-wheeled circus of the stars? Stay tuned for a joint Discovery Channel-History Channel-Versus Network episode of "Monster Garage" in which Johan Bruyneel directs the zombies Fausto Coppi, Gino Bartali and Jacques Anquetil in a Tour de River Styx.

Mountains Labor, Bringing Forth a Mouse Award
The Race2Replace. As our own Neal Rogers noted without irony, "Participant numbers were significantly smaller than Discovery Channel had anticipated." When the event was announced, it was decided that fields would be capped at 500 racers per category, with a maximum of 4000 riders allowed. Come race day at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, some 400 chamois-sniffers had signed up — "some perhaps put off by the $150 entry fee, others likely seeking a piece of the $150,000 prize list at the Tour of Elk Grove near Chicago, just four hours away." Still others realized that they could stay home and jerk off to old Tour videos for free.

Rain Man Memorial "Uh-Oh" Citation
Granny Gear Productions for its handling of the rain-soaked 24 Hours of Moab. Facing a biblical deluge that led to a course closure, a restart and a sheaf of FUBAR’d results, management tried everything from canceling laps and restarting using split times to consulting the entrails of a freshly killed roadie and throwing the I Ching. Henceforth, Granny promises, if a course must be closed due to act of God a second (or third or fourth) mass start will be held and the final results based on the combined scores from all races. "The experience and the lessons learned will be with me always," says race director Laird Knight. And a good thing, too, because next year’s race will be lucky No. 13. You ain’t seen rain ‘til you’ve seen it rain toads.

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